Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
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Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.