(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
You Might Also Like
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Finally! 😈
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.