I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
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A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.