Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
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oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?