People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
You Might Also Like
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
it’s the silliest best thing
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day