“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
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Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Well. That’s not a good sign.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…