In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
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I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.