Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
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As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Boom, boom, ching!
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before