Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
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I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.