Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
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i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous