[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
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me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?