I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
You Might Also Like
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what