Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
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A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.