Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
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I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
When can I start eating bats again.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.