And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
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Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!