men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
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“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
yeah not falling for this one
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.