KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell