Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
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“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.