I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
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I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Only Americans understand
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore