me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
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Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.