What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I鈥檓 so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
cat owners be like don鈥檛 worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Me: I鈥檓 so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y鈥檃ll are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?馃
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I feel it
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Love is in the air fryer.