Still my favorite television listing of all time:
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WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.