“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
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Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.