A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
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I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
sigh
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
What flavor cupcake are these
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .