My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
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a lot to unpack here
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
$3 #books
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.