Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
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I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
My wedding will be open casket.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family