My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
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airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
i want to work in this restaurant
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission