The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
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I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Probably my best painting.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol