Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
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Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.