wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
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The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!