*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
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For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.