This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
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You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl