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captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
if my sleeping schedule was a person
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.