Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
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WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.