It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.