I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
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Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?