Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️