My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
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Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.