Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
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Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Pizza is an emotion right?
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.