5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
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THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.