There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣