I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
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One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”