[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
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Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.