The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
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When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
my mom making me talk to relatives
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?