During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
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How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.