Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
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Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Get off my horse you stupid moon
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.