If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard