Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
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It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
bury ourselves
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”