5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
You Might Also Like
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
real
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly