I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.